Clarkston Votes 4-2 To Eliminate Emergency Medical Services, Approves $19.7M Jail To Store The Bodies

CLARKSTON, WA — In a decisive 4-2 vote that medical ethicists are calling "a masterclass in municipal self-harm," the Clarkston City Council voted Monday night to eliminate all emergency medical services from the 2026 budget, while simultaneously approving a $19.7 million jail facility in neighboring Asotin County. City officials say the two decisions are unrelated, despite what mathematicians describe as "a pretty clear inverse relationship between healthcare access and incarceration needs."

"We've found it's more cost-effective to incarcerate survivors than to create them in the first place," explained City Financial Advisor Marcus Treadwell, gesturing to a PowerPoint slide titled "Synergies in the Post-Medical Economy." "Every dollar we don't spend on ambulances is a dollar we can spend on secure, climate-controlled storage for cardiac arrest victims."

The vote came after Clarkston voters rejected an EMS levy that would have cost homeowners $2.65 per $1,000 of property valuation—roughly $530 annually for a $200,000 home. In related news, GoFundMe has announced it will be opening a regional headquarters in Clarkston to handle the anticipated demand.

Mayor Monika Lawrence cast the tie-breaking vote to preserve EMS funding during the first round of voting, which ended 3-3. However, in a second vote that parliamentary experts are calling "a real dick move," councilors Robin Albers, Russ Evans, Sheila McDougall, and David Vinton successfully eliminated the service 4-2. Councilors Stan Pierce and Sarah Reeves objected. Councilmember Pat Holman was not in attendance, having apparently already adopted the city's new emergency response protocol.

"This is a commitment, but it's not set in a way that it can't be changed," said City Attorney Todd Richardson, using language that physicians note also applies to the condition of untreated trauma patients. "Much like a Code Blue, we're just seeing where this goes."

The Lewiston Tribune, in what journalism professors are calling "the most accidentally poetic editorial decision of the decade," chose to run a serene photograph titled "Fishing at Last Light" as the dominant image on the same front page announcing the EMS elimination. Editors insist "Last Light" was not intended as a healthcare forecast for Clarkston residents, but acknowledged they "can't rule it out at this time."

Meanwhile, the same newspaper front page announced that a University of Washington student had admitted to shooting a WSU football player, that a new $19.7 million jail would open in December, and that a festive holiday lights display would "light up the night Saturday." Local resident Cheryl Dennison, 54, described the juxtaposition as "honestly, pretty on-brand for us at this point."

"We've got shootings, we're building a jail, and we just cut emergency services," said Dennison, taking a long drag from a cigarette outside the Clarkston City Hall. "Light 'em up, boys."

The new Asotin County Justice Complex, which Commissioner Chuck Whitman proudly noted came in "under the $20 million mark," will provide state-of-the-art detention facilities for area residents. When asked how inmates would receive emergency medical care if needed, Whitman paused for seventeen seconds before responding, "That's a great question. Next question."

Property owners who voted against the EMS levy have begun organizing what they call "Neighborhood Medical Watches," which local emergency room physicians describe as "just people calling each other instead of 911, which is definitely going to work out great."

The Clarkston Fire Department, whose truck was photographed responding to a house fire on Elm Street for the Tribune's coverage, released a statement clarifying their role going forward. "We will still come watch your house burn down," said Fire Chief Barbara Okonkwo. "The difference now is that if you're inside, that's kind of on you."

When asked to comment, the fire truck itself—clearly labeled "CLARKSTON FIRE" in the Tribune photograph—offered no response, though sources say it has been seen at a local body shop exploring options to add "(AND ONLY FIRE)" to its existing signage.

City officials emphasized that the elimination "is not personal," noting that emergency services have been "underperforming relative to key metrics." When pressed on what those metrics were, Treadwell pulled up a slide showing that zero Clarkston residents who did not receive emergency medical care died from receiving emergency medical care. "You can't argue with the numbers," he said.

As of press time, the Lewiston Tribune was preparing tomorrow's edition, which will reportedly feature a front-page photo essay titled "Golden Hour"—a term that emergency physicians use to describe the critical window for trauma care, and that Tribune editors insist is just a nice photography term about sunset.

The ambulance service's final day of operation has not yet been announced, but city planners have suggested coordinating it with the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new jail, in what they're describing as "a meaningful transition celebration."